What Happened To Women Supporting Women?
Ladies beware you don’t succumb to the Queen Bee Syndrome
Apparently, I’m sexist for taking my husband’s surname.
I was accused of this by several women in response to my explorative and thoroughly researched piece about how LinkedIn’s verification process is riddled with sexism and gender bias.
Isn’t it wild that people are so quick to jump to conclusions? My attackers didn’t think about why I changed my surname. Instead, there was an illogical assumption that I’d betrayed feminism.
Choosing to take on our husband’s surname is not anti-feminist. What is anti-feminist is criticizing others for executing feminism in ways we wouldn’t. No one is the gatekeeper of feminism.
I can’t help but wonder, what makes some women so unsupportive toward other women?
Your surname is a product of the patriarchy
Something my attackers never considered is that, for most women, our surnames stem from our fathers. Yes, another man. The system of passing on surnames is deeply patriarchal.
So, if they want to criticize me for taking on my husband’s surname, they’d be truer to their cause by encouraging me to revert to my mother’s maiden name.
But this isn’t just about surnames.
For 17 years, I worked as a police officer in an infamously male-dominated environment. You’d think women would have each other’s backs in such a place, right?
But no.
Women have the opportunity to be inspirational role models and mentors to other women. But often, in my experience, successful women climb up the ladder and pull it up behind them.
I’d go as far as to say some of the women I encountered while working in the police were decidedly anti-women. I often dreaded working with women line managers, as experience told me they would treat me differently than my male colleagues.
And when I say differently, I mean I was treated coldly and unsupported, and good work went unnoticed. Meanwhile, male colleagues were treated with warmth and encouragement.
My experience is supported by the Queen Bee Syndrome, which was first penned in 1973 by researchers from Michigan University. Since then, this syndrome has been heavily debated and researched while also being dubbed by some as a myth and others as a truth.
The Queen Bee syndrome can be described as follows:
“…women in positions of authority in male-dominated environments who are unsupportive of female subordinates.”
In this BBC article, the late British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher was classed as a Queen Bee for failing to further the careers of women in her cabinet.
The same article also quotes Professor Dame Sally Davies, a chief medical officer who referenced the Queen Bee Syndrome when describing her career in health care.
“I saw it particularly in medicine — queen bees preening and enjoying being the only woman.”
This mirrors my experiences. While I worked with some phenomenal women during my service, I also had my fair share of queen bees. It was as if these women saw me as a threat.
In a 2017 study supporting the existence of Queen Bee Syndrome, it was suggested that “women have a really hard time competing with other women.”
This was further explained by outlining that queen bees want to protect what they see as theirs, meaning they don’t want to share their resources, and they see the men in the circle as belonging to them.
Queen Bees perpetuate the woman-hating woman
Paradoxically, in my experience, often it’s these queen bees who label other women as “bitchy,” “catty,” “bossy,” or other undermining tropes usually reserved for women. They perpetuate sexism in the workplace and hold women back from advancing in their careers.
The first time I met a particular queen bee I worked with for several years, she looked me up and down, grunted, and then turned her back on me. Right from the offset, she had a problem with me. Her behaviour drew me in. I was curious about her.
It was like she hated me immediately. I soon realised she simply did not like women.
I watched how she interacted with other women both in person and online. And would you believe it, she epitomised the “pick-me” type by trying desperately to get the attention and validation of men by being an atypical woman.
Most of her energy was spent schmoozing with men while giving the side eye to any woman daring to venture into her territory.
I had the misfortune of being in the audience of an interview with this woman. She was asked about women supporting women, and you know what she said?
“Women can be odd with other women.”
Coming from the queen of being odd with other women, hearing this made my jaw crash to the floor.
Queen Bees rarely have the self-awareness to recognise that they are often the problem. It’s a cause-and-effect situation, and they are the cause.
But actually, are they the cause?
It’s been suggested that the Queen Bee Syndrome is a result of workplace sexism, and women displaying queen bee traits are simply trying to survive in a world set up to favour men. So they distance themselves from other women in what’s referred to in this study as “self-group distancing" — you know, the I’m not like other women sort of attitude.
There’s an anticipation that as women start to make up an increased percentage of leadership roles, the sense of scarcity will be reduced; thus, the need to compete with and hinder the progress of other women should dissipate.
So maybe the queen bees will lose their sting and start to support their fellow women. Here’s hoping.
Ok, confession time. I think I’ve emanated symptoms of Queen Bee-itis before when I led several teams. Honestly, I think I was just jealous and felt threatened by the talent and skill of the woman in my team. Now I know better, so I do better. I’ve now laid down my crown and left this problematic behaviour relegated to my past.
While women are not beyond criticism in a fair and just manner, I would love to see the default position of women trying to help other women instead of hindering or even hijacking them.
We are not a threat to each other; we may even want the same thing.
So, to all those who accused me of being sexist for taking my husband's surname, please know that I have my reasons for wanting to change surnames, and maybe next time, you could show curiosity instead of judgment.
It’s incredible what happens when women support women.
Ali Hall is a trail running and dog loving ex police detective from Scotland. She writes about psychology, friendship, social justice, feminism, the childfree experience and personal growth.