This Father Phoned the Police Because He Didn’t Know How To Parent
What he expected me, a police officer, to do was ludicrous.
Men, it is not “babysitting” when it is your own child.
My colleague peacocked around the office. According to him, he was worthy of being nominated as husband of the year.
And why?
Because he woke from his slumber in the middle of the night to attend to his crying child and “allowed” his wife to sleep.
In his deluded mind, this small act of parental duty transformed him into Mr Doubtfire.
The bonus snippet here is that he and his wife work in the same industry, where she is senior to him.
She has more stress at work, brings in a higher wage, and still he regards their children as her responsibility.
Studies repeatedly show that women do the lion’s share of unpaid labour. From childcare to domestic chores, whether a woman is in paid employment or not, she also picks up the domestic duties.
What I find particularly fascinating is that men think the breakdown of their domestic chores are more equal than they are.
I can’t locate the source, but an interesting account for this, which stands to reason, is that men don’t compare their workload with the workload of their partner; rather, they compare it with what their father did when they were little.
So by the male logic and because we are no longer stuck in the 1950s, they recognise they do more around the house than their fathers did; and that to them is a win.
Men — until you show up as an equal contributor with your partner, you are not winning, and your partner is certainly not winning.
999, what’s your emergency?
It was my last shift as a uniformed police officer. Come Monday, I was moving to the criminal investigation department as a detective.
We’d already made two arrests for domestic abuse and one arrest for a drunk and abusive man causing chaos in the streets. The shift was ending, and we had a ton of paperwork to do.
En route back to the station, a grade two call came in regarding the welfare of a child. The grading of the call rendered it important enough to get there quickly but with no need for blue lights or sirens.
The paperwork could wait, and our finishing time could be delayed. Preserving and protecting life comes first.
We were met with a wide-eyed and happy little boy and a fraught-looking man. But sometimes, appearances can be deceptive. We needed to get to the bottom of the story to understand the alleged threat to this child’s welfare.
You want us to do what?
I don’t like to describe anyone else as clueless, but he was just that.
“He just won’t go to sleep,” exclaimed the man while simultaneously pouring Coke down the gullet of a hyper 4-year-old.
I’m no parent, but I’m pretty sure Coke is not a good idea if you want your child to sleep.
Listen, I get it; having children can be an exasperating experience. It’s relentless and can often feel like living inside a pressure cooker.
I empathise with parents and the many challenges they endure. But I draw the line at phoning 999 because you can’t put your son to bed.
He rambled and ranted about being left with his son while his wife had a night out.
He had tried to phone her to recall her back to her motherly responsibilities, and she had turned her phone off (smart move, lady).
Seeking allies, he begged us to see the injustice of his situation.
“Sir, why exactly have you called the police, and what do you expect us to do?”
Sometimes, with no clear criminality or solution, it is best to ask directly about expectations. His first request was ludicrous.
“No, I will not put your son to bed for you! That is not the role of a police officer, and dialing 999 for that constitutes wasting police time.”
I didn’t think it could get worse, but it did.
He wanted us to search all of Edinburgh’s pubs and clubs, locate his wife and bring her home so she could carry out her “womanly duties” and look after their son.
The year was 2009.
It transpired that this was his wife’s first night out since having their son.
In no uncertain terms, I told him to step up and be a better father and husband.
I introduced him to the term “equality” and made the suggestion that he supported his wife’s well-being by taking on his fair share of the parental responsibilities.
Come on, men, being a dad is more than just sperm donation
I know it’s not all men; I get it.
But come on, men.
I’ve spoken before about the difference in meaning between “fathering” and “mothering.”
When women are expected to do everything, is it any wonder so many of us are opting out of motherhood?
Because the whole pronatalist and capitalist BS of “having it all” is not appealing in the slightest.
Men aren’t told they can have it all, so why manipulate women with this condescending crap?
On that note, when did you last hear of a man being described as a career man?
Or a woman described as a family woman? You don’t because these are the default assumptions. Yet switch the genders around, and the terms are commonplace.
And don’t even get me started on “hands-on dads!”
The reality is too many men genuinely believe caring for their own children constitutes babysitting.
Men (okay, okay — some men) want to be there for the bike rides, fist pumps, and Instagram moments to claim their “awesome dad” trophies while expecting women to do the rest.
And I mean all the rest.
And if a man does the heroic task of taking his daughter to her swimming class, I guarantee the woman has packed the bag, arranged payment, and reminded the man what time he needs to be there.
Yes, women do all of the emotional labour.
I’ve seen my friends lose their hobbies and interests and drift away from their social life into mother and baby groups, all while their husbands’ lives remain unchanged.
Some of my friends are shackled to their children, and I’ve not seen them alone for years.
Meanwhile, their husbands swan around doing as they please, golf, football, and boys' nights out. How can they be so oblivious to their wives' desperation and exhaustion?
Man up and show up
It is no longer acceptable for men to be on the periphery of childrearing.
Sewing wild seeds without considering the consequences may be the tactic of the former British prime minister, Boris Johnston, but it’s archaic and expired, and women deserve better.
So let’s help our men do better.
In my piece How Encouraging Little Boys to Play With Dolls Will Result In Greater Gender Equality I recognise that men aren’t raised to be nurturing fathers.
As a society, we set men up to fail.
If you are a parent to a little boy, please teach him about equality.
Without placing any pressure on him to be a father, educate him about the responsibilities and expectations of this role—best of all, mirror equality within your own household.
Real men cry, show vulnerability, and take on caring and nurturing duties. Fathers — it’s time to man up.