My 5-Year-Old Son Says Girls Are Weaker Than Boys
From where did he learn this harmful narrative?
My son is usually chatty when I pick him up from kindergarten. But today, sitting next to me in the car, his arms are crossed.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” I ask.
“Adam says I run like a girl. Do I run like a girl, mama?” he asks, his eyes like a sad puppy.
“No, no, you don’t run like a…” I stop myself. I know better than to propagate gendered language.
I tell him he’s a great runner and ask why he thinks it’s bad to “run like a girl.”
“Girls are weak, I’m not a girl” he shouts.
At only five years old, my son is already making such conclusions about girls.
Where is he learning this, and why does he think girls are made up of negative adjectives?
Girls are weak, boys are strong
It wasn’t the first time he implied that being “like a girl” wasn’t cool.
Last time, one of his kindergarten friends told him he “looks like a girl” because he has pink cheeks.
Another time, he refused to wear a pink shirt. “Pink is for girls,” he said.
My son seems to perceive things associated with being a girl — be it color or adjectives — as negative.
Child development experts say dividing the world into “girl things” and “boy things” is typical for preschoolers as a way to simplify and understand their surroundings.
As children develop their identities, they start gravitating towards activities, toys, and interests that align with their “perceived gender identity.”
My son definitely identifies as a boy and loves vehicles of all sizes — from ambulances to helicopters. He also loves building with Legos.
It’s just disturbing that at such a young age, my son has already fallen victim to the patriarchic narrative that suggests girls can’t do what boys can.
In most cultures, adding “like a girl” adds salt to the wound, doesn’t it? It’s a powerful weapon to crush a man’s ego.
Moreover, men insult each other by calling each other p-words, and if they want to offend women, they use the c-word, both a reference to the female genitalia.
We live in my husband’s native country of Germany, which is ranked sixth in the world for gender equality.
Our kindergarten doesn’t enforce gendered play. They give the kids choices — from Legos to doll houses. They also don’t color code the towels or backpack hangers blue or pink.
That doesn’t mean they don’t use gendered language, though. They may, but as far as I can tell, it’s pretty neutral.
My husband and I work full-time. We both do the laundry, dishes, and cook. We take turns reading bedtime stories to our son.
Contrary to studies that say working wives still do more household chores than husbands, we share the load equally.
The heavy-duty stuff falls on my husband, though. Like cutting high branches or climbing the ladder to wipe the windows clean.
It’s because he’s physically stronger than me. I naturally tend to plan and cook meals. I enjoy feeding my family.
We differ in how we play with our son.
My husband pushes and tumbles him on the bed — so-called roughhousing — which a lot of research says is good for children.
I prefer gentle play, like role-playing with his Lego figurines, doing puzzles, and drawing.
Ever since this incident with my son, it has crossed my mind that we’re modeling typical gender stereotypes (not fully, but partially).
Peer pressure to ‘act like a man’ starts young
It turns out the pressure to ‘act like a man’ starts in pre-school.
When my son was four, he wanted to dress up as Princess Elsa from Frozen for the festival (equivalent to Halloween in the U.S.).
We said sure, although we were worried he’d be teased.
The next day, soon after coming home from kindergarten, he changed his mind about the costume. He now wanted to be a ninja like Lloyd from Ninjago.
I asked him why, and he said he didn’t like Elsa anymore.
I didn’t think anything of it then. Now I wonder if his peers had taunted his decision to dress up as Elsa.
One study suggests ‘gender-enforcers’ exist among kids as young as pre-schoolers, and they could be the culprit.
Gender enforcers are boys and girls who try to exclude others because of their gender, like a ‘gender bully’ or a ‘gender police.’
For example, enforcers call out boys for playing with Barbies or girls for playing with trucks.
Children who played with gender enforcers tended to give preferential treatment toward their own gender, thereby playing more with same-gender peers.
The study suggests that “aggression and biased gender-related beliefs” are associated with gender-enforcing behavior.
Basically, it’s peer pressure, isn’t it? But children can’t be blamed for being gender enforcers, either. It’s a learned behavior.
Kid’s shows aren’t helping
On average, men have more body strength than women, especially in their upper torso.
But it’s a myth that boys are physically stronger than girls.
Studies say that until puberty, there’s almost no change in muscle mass and strength between boys and girls of the same size. But you wouldn’t know that by watching kid’s shows.
Our son is allowed to watch an hour per day of media.
He watches Paw Patrol, Ninjago, Fireman Sam, Mighty Express, and Lego City Adventures.
All these shows are catered to little boys. They showcase cars, monster trucks, and male superheroes.
The only show catered to girls that he likes is Gabby’s Dollhouse. You see a lot of glitter, pink, singing, and dancing. (By the way, Gabby has pink cheeks, like my son).
It’s alarming how much gender stereotypes are in all of these shows.
In 2017, Common Sense Media released a sobering report on how stereotypes in movies and TV impact a child’s development.
It analyzed 147 superheroes in 80 movies and found that male heroes appeared much more frequently than female heroes.
Males were more “powerful, muscular, violent, and evil.”
Women were more “attractive, thin, sexy/seductive, innocent, afraid, and helpless.” And their clothing was more revealing on the upper and lower bodies.
Although both genders have special abilities and use weapons, males are more likely than females to “use fighting skills, fire/flame weapons, and guns.”
The report also found that adhering to gender stereotypes in early childhood tends to be more “pronounced in and rewarded” for boys than girls.
And the most troubling report — boys who watch TV more often are likely to believe that “others think boys and men are better than girls and women.”
The shows our boy watches are filled with boys as heroes or super heroes.
It’s worrying.
For now, I can still control what media my son watches and who he befriends.
My husband and I have decided to show him more female-leading shows and to read him books that show strong female characters (there aren’t that many, by the way).
The hope is that in a world that tells boys super heroes are strong, he’ll understand that being a hero is not about that.
It’s about respecting all genders because no gender is superior to another. And understanding that, as humans, we have more similarities than differences.
Perhaps it’s idealistic, but that’s the world I want for my son.
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