He Says I’m “Not Like Other Girls.” Is That a Compliment?
He means I’m a cool girl, a chic who can hang with the bros, drink beer, and watch sports
Hi, I have a cold this week, so Louisa (my AI girl) is doing the talking for me:
I stared at the Facebook message on my monitor.
A message from an ex whom I dated 30 years ago.
Part of the message read: “I’ve been reflecting on our relationship and realizing you were different. You were not like other girls.”
Back then, that phrase would’ve felt like a pat on the back—like I’d won a prize in the grand lottery of personality traits.
But at 50, I see how foolish that was. It’s not a badge of honor at all. This so-called compliment is more of a backhanded swipe at femininity.
It begs the question: Why is it bad to be “like other girls?” What’s wrong with femininity?
The cool girl trope
The 2012 book-turned-movieGone Girlfirst popularized the “not like other girls” phenomenon, which involves girls who pride themselves on not being like other girls.
You may have heard it referred to as the cool girl trope or the “pick-me” girl. It’s a woman who’s desperate for a man’s validation. She acts like one of the boys, so they’d pick her over other girls.
This monologue by the female lead of Gone Girl, Amy Dunne, went viral and became associated with the cool girl trope:
Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot…
She’s being sarcastic, of course, and highlighting how it’s an unattainable ideal.
I used to be a cool girl. I dated a guy obsessed with video games, cartoons, and motorbikes.I acted like I was into them, too, so he’d like me.
I was laid-back, fun, and never angry or demanding.
I felt this invisible pressure to be “not like other girls” because he said his ex was drama. I wanted to prove to him I wasn’t like her.
Unbeknownst to us, movies and TV shows heavily influence us. Movies like the 1998 romcom There’s Something About Mary.
Every man Mary, the main character, encounters becomes infatuated with her. She’s a doctor, and she’s gorgeous. She loves junk food and beer, watches sports, plays baseball, and starts her day playing a round of golf.
And she’s super chill, easygoing, and understanding — all the freakin’ time. Can you identify with Mary? I sure can’t.
Gone Girl’s Amy says cool girls are:
“women who have watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them.”
There’s Something About Mary is written by two men. Figures.
Could Mary be a manifestation of their dream girl? Are we not meant to relate to her?
How about the 2000 movie Ms. Congeniality? The main character, FBI agent Grace, played by Sandra Bullock, is a cool girl who shuns anything resembling femininity.
She’s dishevelled-looking, quirky, and snorts when she laughs. She boxes, fights her colleague, and bro-fists.
It’s only when she gets a makeover — from head to toe — to go undercover in a beauty pageant that the same colleague views her traits as charming and falls for her.
These are only two examples among many films that place an unattainable standard for girls.
The message is that femininity — like soft, sensitive, and emotional— is inferior to masculinity — assertive, strong, and logical.
To be cool, interesting, or worthy of respect, we must distance ourselves from anything traditionally feminine.
But it’s not enough to be chilled and laid back. You better be smoking hot because that’s the only way your masculine characteristics would be acceptable.
This dichotomy, or should I say internal misogyny, pits girls against girls, undermining sisterhood by turning it into a contest.
Jennifer Lawrence, the queen of the phenomenon
Jennifer Lawrence, among a few other celebrities, is the poster child for the cool girl trope.
During interviews, she has burped and talked about snots and boogers. She flips her middle finger after winning an Oscar as she heads to the press room, explaining she did a shot before facing journalists.
Lawrence is a man in a woman’s body. She’s clumsy, funny, a junk-food-eating guy-girl who's unpolished, chill, and relatable.
Of course, FHM, a monthly men’s magazine, voted her the sexiest woman in the world in 2014. Like I said, cool girl + drop-dead gorgeous = every guy’s dream and every woman’s competition.
Jezebel’s pop culture writer Tracy Moore argues that being a cool girl is a phase many women go through in young adulthood.
But who’s to say it was a phase for girls like Jennifer Lawrence?
She might be a tomboy, influenced by growing up with two brothers. There are women who share a genuine enthusiasm for traditionally male activities, and it’s not necessarily a calculated act.
During Labor Day Weekend in 2014, numerous private photos of Lawrence, featuring her in lingerie and partially clothed, leaked online.
Lawrence responded by stating that these images, hacked from her iCloud account, were initially sent to her former boyfriend.
Cultural writer Anne Helen Petersen of BuzzFeed News says the images weren’t considered “scandalous.”
In fact, “the easy embrace and ownership of the sexuality suggested by the photos simply reaffirmed her cool girl image.”
But then, three months later, Lawrence appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair, pissed off, saying:
“Just because I’m a public figure, just because I’m an actress, does not mean that I asked for this. It does not mean that it comes with the territory. It’s my body, and it should be my choice, and the fact that it is not my choice is absolutely disgusting. I can’t believe we even live in that kind of world.”
Petersen says Lawrence’s response showed us how “flimsy and oversimplistic” the cool girl image is. “Lawrence could be easygoing, yes. But she could also be filled with unmitigated rage.”
That’s the issue. The cool girl trope fails to see women as human beings with different facets of masculinity and femininity. It reduces people to a narrow definition.
You know the ex who wrote me 30 years later? When we were together, he flirted with girls right in front of me. He never held my hand in public, calling it “conventional.”
I played it cool, stayed levelheaded, and acted like it didn’t phase me. Inside, I was furious.
One day, he gaslit me into thinking I was the problem…again. The repressed angst exploded.
“It’s over!” I yelled. “You hear me? It’s over! I’m done playing dumb. Get out, get out!” He inched backward towards the exit door, looking like a deer caught in headlights.
Playing the cool girl trope has a time limit. It’s not sustainable because a cool girl is a myth, a collection of male fantasies fueled by women playing the part.
Reclaiming femininity
Author and TV producer Michelle Miller says the women’s liberation movement empowered women to embrace masculine traits.
But it overlooked the importance of encouraging men to embrace feminine qualities. As a result, society tilted in the masculine direction.
To this day, society tells women they must adopt masculine traits to succeed in the world. But it’s time for women to reclaim their femininity.
Of course, what that means varies from woman to woman. For me, it means validating my feelings, trusting my intuition, and being empathetic.
It means raising women's voices by writing about women’s issues and acknowledging that women — no matter where we’re from — are connected in our sisterhood.
It means responding to my ex as my authentic self: “Hey, no worries. It’s in the past. I gotta correct you, though. I am like other girls. I have always been like other girls.”
June Kirri is a writing coach and the founding editor of Bitchy. She writes about feminism, women, and motherhood.
Yes girlfriend. It was progressive
a/k/a unheard of. We women have basic instincts that definitely grow stronger as we grow (stronger).
Smart in the boardroom, hot in the bedroom. I heard that many times during my days in advertising, That was then, this is now. At almost 70 I’m “hot” to my man and smart to others. Doesn’t hurt that I’m tall and attractive “for my age”.
I have 3 daughters. When they got their period I bought them a vibrator and told them how much better it would feel than some random guy wanting their clothes off. I also gave them pepper spray!
I had been raped at 16 and never told anyone. That was NOT going to happen to them.
After my husband died over 6 years ago I tried to date. Oh boy. By then I spoke my mind freely. If a potential date’s profile said he was a “good kisser” for example, I’d say “show me”. Dates became interviews and anyone that called me “honey” was out.
I don’t think I’ve ever been “like” anyone else but I definitely was not “myself” in the early years. We’re any of us back then. Trying to please parents, teachers, etc. was not my vibe. I got in trouble a lot. But guys never seemed to like me, only fuck me.
Today my relationship with my partner (no more “marrying” for me) and my life is so good. The roommate had left the building.
I think they call it “authentic”, I call it “content”.