For much of my life, I’ve believed in a classic cliche. I subscribed to the belief that men were simple creatures and women were mysterious and complex.
Turns out I was half right.
Women continue to be more complex than us. But, lately, men have been fucking more with my psyche than ever before. I can’t figure some of my brethren out.
I never understood serial killers, or mass shooters, two groups who are nearly always men. Men who commit acts of domestic violence have always enraged me.
We’re supposed to value, honor, and respect women, goddammit, not beat them.
I haven’t knowingly interacted with violent men. But, the days of me staying silent are gone. Too much shit is happening too damn often for any man who cares about women to remain silent.
I’m a husband and a father of four daughters. I’m often skeptical of men regarding my girls. It’s another cliche. There are countless movies, sitcoms, and joke T-shirts about dads being pissy about guys dating our daughters.
We are way past stale jokes and comedic threats. Things are far more serious than that.
The leaders of the Republican party seem hellbent on limiting, if not eliminating, women’s rights. The GOP candidate for Vice President J.D. Vance, prefers women to remain in abusive marriages than escaping into divorce.
Due to those fears and more, many women have stated they would prefer a chance meeting with a random bear in the woods than a random man.
I support that decision wholeheartedly.
A repulsive case in France only strengthens the reasoning behind it.
Drugging and raping his wife for ten years
For those fortunate to be in the dark, a case in France has many people horrified.
A French man, Dominique Pélicot, 71, is currently on trial for drugging and raping his wife, Gisèle Pélicot, 72, for nearly ten years. As if that wasn’t vile enough, he also trolled the Internet for other men willing to do the same to his wife.
It wasn’t an extensive or difficult search apparently.
After a two-year investigation, the police believe Gisèle Pelicot was raped by her husband, as well as 83 other men 92 times from 2011–2020.
How can the police be so specific?
Pictures and videos. Over 20,000 hours of them. All were filmed by her husband, a man she’s been with for over 50 years.
Gisèle had no idea this was happening to her. The police discovered the cache of depravity while investigating her husband for filming upskirt videos of three women in a grocery store.
The women filed complaints, which led to the police confiscating the husband’s electronics. They found far more disturbing content than what they were expecting.
Even worse, they had to tell Gisèle that the man she’s been with since she was 18 initiated and recorded 10 years of rapes by over 80 men.
If Dominique Pélicot was willing to commit such vile acts against the mother of his three children, imagine what he would do to a woman he wasn’t emotionally attached to.
We may not have to wait long.
Police are investigating Pélicot in the rape and murder of a 23-year-old woman in 1991, as well as the attempted rape of a 19-year-old woman in 1999. Pélicot has since admitted to the attempted rape, but says he’s innocent of the murder.
As upsetting as Pélicot’s actions are, they’re the tip of a fucked up iceberg.
How can so many men rape an unconscious woman?
Pélicot is rightfully earning a heap of scorn for his actions. But, he’s far from the only guilty man in this case.
Remember the 80 other rapists?
How are there this many men in the world let alone within driving distance of a small French village willing to do this?
Some of the men have since been quoted giving ridiculous attempts at explanation. Such excuses include stating that since the husband gave his permission, they figured it was acceptable.
That’s not how consent works, gentlemen. Unconscious people not being able to give consent is common knowledge. Husbands can’t give their wives’ consent either.
Others stated for the record they thought Gisèle agreed to be drugged.
Sigh.
When these men are released from prison, I’d like them to be assigned a task. Begin walking — and they can’t stop — until they find any woman who would willingly be drugged to be unconsciously raped by men she doesn’t know.
Or just remind them of the rules her husband had upon their arrival. They had to undress (and then re-dress) in the kitchen. They couldn’t smell like tobacco or wear cologne. They had to wash their hands in warm water so their cold hands wouldn’t wake her up.
How does any of that seem consensual?
Village mayor downplays 10 years of rape because Gisèle wasn’t murdered
The Pélicots live in the small French village of Mazan. Some male villagers willingly raped the unconscious Gisèle. Men came from other neighboring communities, as well.
Granted, elected officials of Mazan can’t be enjoying the press their village is getting. After all, it’s doubtful that too many tourists outside of American Republicans will be checking out local Airbnb rentals for Christmas vacations.
Some residents are uneasy because there are still 30 men who raped Gisèle that haven’t been identified by police. Villagers want to know who these unknown assailants are; are the men local or from other locations?
Louis Bonnet, 74, is the mayor of Mazan. His tactic of trying to lessen the attention on his town is infuriating. In an interview with BBC, he made two main points:
The Pélicots were outsiders and hadn’t lived in their village long. Why does this matter? How does that change the fact that members of your community still chose to commit rape?
As bad as her trauma may be, at least Gisèle wasn’t killed. It’s worse when rape victims are killed. Being raped and murdered is indeed horrible. But, this woman was sexually assaulted for a decade by dozens of men organized by the one man she’s been with for 50 years. That is trauma none of us can comprehend. Don’t trivialize her pain because she’s still alive to struggle through it.
Dominique Pélicot is a coward
Despite being a sadistic rapist, Pélicot is also a coward.
Pélicot doesn’t deny his guilt. (Honestly, how could he?)
But, he also wants everyone to know that he’s not the only guilty one. Pélicot was quite upset that he was the only one being called a rapist. He wants the other men to be called out, too.
As his lawyer, Beatrice Zavarro pitifully says, Pélicot wants his co-defendants to, “recognize their involvement in his crimes rather than blaming him.”
I agree that his fellow rapists deserve the wrath of the public and the legal system, as well. But, stop passing the buck, dude.
These pathetic men wouldn’t have raped Gisèle without Pélicot’s sick mind and vile actions, so cut the shit.
His cowardice doesn’t end there.
On the day he was scheduled to be cross-examined in court, Pélicot was sent to the hospital for medical reasons, delaying the trial until he’s been declared “healthy” enough to continue.
Reportedly, his tummy hurt and he had trouble urinating. I guess it’s possible to be scared shitless and pissless. Who knew?
Guess who has shown up day after day after day? Guess who will have to see videos of herself helpless and raped while surrounded by strangers in court?
After being sexually assaulted by over 80 men, guess who’s showing more strength than any of the rapists?
Gisèle.
Aggravating side note: while Gisèle sits in public view, most of the rapists have arrived at court hiding behind hoodies and masks.
Look to Gisele for bravery and dignity
The reason I’ve used Gisèle’s name so prominently is because she wants to be known. She wants this case to be publicized.
Gisèle has taken the extraordinary move of allowing her name and picture to be used and known across the globe.
As her lawyer, Stephane Babonneau states, “She wants to raise awareness, as widely as possible, of what happened to her so events like these never happen again.”
If only, Gisèle. If only.
Rape survivors are too often blamed, disbelieved, marginalized, and forgotten. They often live and cope alone in darkness.
I lay no blame on any rape survivor who chooses to be anonymous.
Survivors of rape deal with far more than the act itself, which is hard for me to fathom.
Too many times the treatment of rape victims defies reason, logic, or sympathy, as they often deal with insults, disbelief, accusations, and mud-slinging from their rapist, their community, and the media.
It takes immense strength, character, and resolve for survivors to deal with everything a rape and its aftermath entails.
But, when a rape survivor is willing to step into the light to share her name, face, and story, we should pay attention. We need to listen, learn, and help however we can.
Men need to step up
I am sick and tired of hearing about men committing horrendous acts against women.
It’s not supposed to be this way.
Some women want protection from men, others don’t. Regardless, they want and deserve to be respected and valued by men. Too many times, that fails to happen.
Men need to support women when protection fails.
Too many men deny or hide our failures. That shit needs to stop.
When failures happen, denying and hiding make it worse for everyone. It denies women the support and sympathy they need and deserve. It denies us the opportunity to atone for our failures.
There are no excuses for the actions of Pélicot and the other rapists. There’s no excuse for men to stay silent about our outrage either.
We need to write, yell, and post our thoughts and emotions far and wide and often. Then we need to lather, rinse, and repeat.
Survivors like Gisèle deserve nothing less.
If she can endure what she has, and be willing to show her identity and story for all to see and know, then I can damn sure write about it. And talk about it.
But, it can’t be just me. Other men need to step up and do the same.
Men need to stop lying in the weeds and bearing our outrage in silence. Nothing changes hiding in the dark.
We need to stand up in the light with Gisèle.
Let’s start holding our brethren accountable, and see who’s willing to join us.
Steve is a sarcastic teacher and writer in Washington state. He writes about feminism, sports, and anything that annoys or excites him.
Such a great piece Steve!
Thank you for calling on people to do better.